The Escapades of Ronald Weasley by Ginny Weasley
by Kit K
Summary: Chapter Two: The Boy Who Kissed His Sister. Ew. I seriously didn't mean to do that. It wasn't my fault! It was those bloody Gred and Forge gits! These are the bla bla of Ron by Ginny...ugh.
1. Love Declaration Uno

Oh yay. Now this I love. I don't care what anyone could possibly say about this story, I love it deeply, and it is one of my most favorite work of art. Yes, I wrote this in British English, but I gave many American English touches, because the humor needs American English for anyone to understand it. I hope you like it.

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**_Sometimes you forget that people often have good intentions. For example, guys in love tease you just so that the shy kid who they know has a crush on you will stand up for you so that you can get a giddy schoolgirl crush on him. See, the teasing guy had good intentions. He was using one of the more urban techniques of matchmaking. And then there are the guys who are too intimidated and insecure to not understand when they do stupid things to impress people they really like, stupid things like acting all rude and tough and crap and trying to be cool. And sometimes, guys write poems. Sometimes, guys play love songs and make a public love declaration. Sometimes, guys actually write poetic love songs which they sing in public._**

_**And sometimes, guys get really drunk to prove their manhood.**_

_**It is inevitable.**_

_**The buffoon…**_

…_**will…**_

…_**be…**_

…_**pissed.**_

"Come on, we're gonna be late!" Hermione called.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm on my way."

**_And Ron Weasley is a buffoon._**

"Let me just grab Crookshanks- ah it hit me in the eye! BLOODY HELL!

_**He doesn't know any better. He thinks Uric the Oddball is the same as Ulfric the Ugly. I mean, what? When he does a cheering spell, he makes his unfortunate test object mourn an inexistent person for seven weeks. In short-**_

"Ron, look out for the chair!" Harry shouted.

"Ah!"

_**Ron is-**_

"MY FACE! IT'S IN MY FACE! GET IT OFF!" Ron shrieked as Crookshanks leapt up onto his face and buried its paws in his hair.

_**-a complete-**_

"Ronnie, if you would just stop being such a baby and trip on every single piece of furniture in the room, I'm sure you could get the cat off your face." Angelina smirked as she walked past.

"ISN'T SOMEONE GOING TO HELP ME!"

_**-moron.**_

"Wow." Fred said as he looked down at Ron, who was lying on the floor, his eyes closed and his mouth wide open. George leaned down next to Fred and looked at Ron as well. "Is he supposed to bleed from his freckles?"

**Ronald Bilius Weasley Fun Fact: Ron likes to wear white boxers with red hearts on them every Valentine's Day.**

"Twenty points from Gryffindor because of your ignorance, Weasley." Snape sneered. "That should teach you not to be falling asleep while I am giving out instructions."

Ron flushed; he had indeed fallen asleep while Snape had been telling the class how to make a cure for severe anxiousness. He was trying hard not to snap back; Hermione hesitantly patted his hand, and he calmed down.

_**But then again, no one could really hate Ron.**_

"Again, twenty points from Gryffindor for each of you. I would appreciate if you kept your…activities…till after class." Snape continued, his gaze now on Hermione as well, who quickly pulled away her hand as the Slytherins in the front of the classroom sniggered. Ron started getting red again; Harry could spot a full-blown tantrum about to come. "Now don't interrupt me anymore."

_**Except for a few, hand-picked people.**_

"I BLOODY HATE SNAPE!" Ron shouted as soon as they entered the Common Room.

_**I mean, he does do stupid things.**_

"I don't think riding your broom to Bulgaria is such a good idea." Harry said uncomfortably.

_**And he does say stupid things.**_

"I really like your bra, Parvati- I mean, I really would enjoy doing you- I mean, I mean…oh my god." Ron gulped and ran away, exited the Common Room and after a couple of minutes, there were splashing sounds heard from the cold lake followed by loud screams and the sound the Giant Squid made when it submerged.

_**And he does think in a stupid way.**_

"I think that spiders would fear me if I put on a Slytherin house robe and put on some goggles with yellow paint on the plastic. If it worked…that would be cool."

_**And again, he does say stupid things.**_

"Sir, sir, I think I know the answer! I think Patronus' become what you wish you had as a pet! Like, if you want a dog, your Patronus'-"

"No, Ron, that's not it."

_**And once more, he does do stupid things.**_

"I don't think mooning Snape on your broom is such a good idea." Harry said uncomfortably.

**_And one more time, he does think in a stupid way._**

"What if we mounted some fireworks on our wands, do you think we could shoot sparks then?"

_**Rinse and repeat.**_

"Hey, think I can ride my Patronus down to the lake?" Ron asked as he stopped in the air next to Harry.

"No, Ron, I don't think you can."

"I bet I could."

"No you couldn't."

"Uh, yeah, I could."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"_Expecto Patronum_!"

"Ron, don't-"

"Off we go! Weeee….aaaaaaaaaaah-" _THUD!_

"Ron? RON!"

"I think I broke my little wand."

"Don't worry; we'll get a new one for you."

"Maybe we will. I heard Muggles do something called surgebarry that works around that area."

"What? Wait…ew!"

_**But there is always one little but waiting for its moment…**_

_**This is the story…**_

…_**of how Ronald Bilius Weasley moved one step closer to growing up.**_

**_The story begins on a Monday in the Gryffindor sixth year's boy's dorms…_**

"Get up!"

"Wha…?"

"Get up, come on!"

"Ron, what's going on?" Harry sat up in his bed as Ron bounced away him and over to his bed, where he lay down on his stomach and leaned over the other side of the bed.

"I just realized something really cool!"

"What?"

"Well, you know how Hermione has been stressing about the Finals?"

"Like she always does."

"Exactly. Well, I found out a way to calm her down!" He stood up, grinning.

"How?" Harry wondered. Ron shook his head.

"Don't you know what day it is today?"

"Monday."

"And tomorrow is…"

"What?"

"Valentine's Day! Stop being so dense, Harry." Ron snorted, placing his arms in akimbo. "And I figured, if Hermione would be all lovey-dovey and relaxed because she found some guy to hook up with, she'll be less hawk-like about us…looking over…some of her notes!"

"I'm starting to like where this is going."

"Good, cause I'd force you into it anyway. So, I figured, we should find a date for her!" Ron stated, putting his chest out with a smile. "We'd be helping her becoming socially satisfied and get all our school work done at once! It's like muggles say, two bats in a Bludger. Or something."

"Who'd you have in mind for her?"

"Well, that's why I need you to help me! We need to get as much information from Hermione about what she'd want in a man without getting her all suspicious."

"Okay, I'll do it." Harry said. "When do we start?" Ron sat down again.

"How about…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Now."

_**And so, ruddy Ron and hot Harry set out on their quest to get Hermione a date for Valentine's Day. Little did they know, they would have a powerful adversary and obstacle in the form of…**_

"Lavender!" Ron winced and stood up as Lavender Brown blocked her view behind the couch in the Common Room where he was watching Harry talk to Hermione with a notepad behind his back.

"What are you doing, Ron?" Lavender asked suspiciously, a frown on her face. "Why are you spying on Harry and…_Hermione_…" She said, reaching a bitter note at the latter name.

"Uh…uh…no reason."

"You know, they would make a great couple, wouldn't they?" Lavender stated, smacking her lips and smiling devilishly.

"You think?" Ron looked at Hermione, and she did seem quite cheerful as Harry spoke to her, his arm around her shoulder. He felt his cheeks burn up, and his stomach churned a little. "I'd never see it coming."

"Well you should." Ron looked at her suspiciously, and she realized she had slipped.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Uh…nothing, bye." Lavender said high-pitched and skipped off to the girl's dorms. He looked back and saw that Hermione had her nose in a book and Harry was walking against the boy's dorms, doing a thumbs-up to him. Ron nodded, frowning, and hurried back to the dorms.

"So, what'cha got?" Ron asked.

"She didn't give away much, but this is what I got out of her; she likes white roses, and she likes liberalism and intellectually stimulating people. Figures. Oh, and she also likes people are not like…well, in summarization, she doesn't like people like you."

"What! I'm intellectually stimulating."

"Sure you are."

"And I am totally liberal. Power to the house elves!" Ron exclaimed, raising his fist.

"Uh huh."

"…let's just keep investigating."

_**So ruddy Ron and hot Harry kept on investigating, struggling through the day to make it through classes while at the same time questioning Hermione as often as possible. Finally, it was Ron's turn to do his little 'friendly' questioning.**_

"Hey 'Mione." Ron greeted as he walked over to the couch in the Common Room where Hermione sat, reading a book.

"Hello, Ron." She smiled, looking up. They stayed like that for a moment before Hermione raised and eyebrow. "Do you want to…sit?"

"Oh." Ron mumbled. Then he snapped his head up. "Oh! Oh, sure. Yeah, sit." He sat down, smiling sheepishly as he put his arm up on the back of the couch. Hermione discreetly rolled her eyes. "Why don't…"

"What?"

"Why don't you put that away? Let's talk." Ron said, glancing at the book. Hermione once again raised and eyebrow.

"Excuse me?"

"Let's talk. You know, just chat." Ron smiled, shrugging. Hermione stared at him for a moment before an expression of pleasant surprise spread out on her face.

"Okay." She said, putting her book on the table between the chairs next to the fireplace. "What do you wanna talk about?" She smiled, putting one leg over her other knee, putting her right hand on her knee and her left hand on the back of the couch. Ron didn't register her movement for a second before he realized that her hand was on top of his. She seemed to have realized too, as she moved her hand away. Ron suddenly became uncomfortably aware that the Common Room was completely empty except for the two. Ron looked down as Hermione blushed.

"Uh…nothing special. Just anything. What's going on with you?" He asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Um…well, I'm kinda nervous about the Finals…" Hermione said quietly, and Ron could tell that the Finals weren't the only thing making her nervous. Ron looked at her. She wasn't in robes. She wore a brown sweater and blue jeans. The sweater was very brown. Very, very brown. Like her eyes. They were brown too…like, deep hazel. And so was her hair. It didn't seem so bushy, but as if it was long and sleek and hanging down her shoulders. It was brown too. It was like a theme. The Brown Hermione theme. But her lips, though…they weren't brown…they were light shade of pink…and her skin…was not really pale…but a bit tanned…and her eyes…and her legs…and her…arms…and…"…on…Ron?" Ron jerked his head up, a goofy smile on his face.

"Why were you staring at my arms?"

"What? What, no? What are you talking about?" Ron said, trying to sound amused, although he sounded more like a mouse with the flu.

"Is there something you wanna talk to me about, Ron?" Hermione asked. Ron could barely keep his head up, her voice…it was so sweet, so smooth. Like silk. Her voice was swooshie. Ron's stomach was about to explode as her hand brushed against his.

"N…uh, do you have any plans for tomorrow?" Ron asked.

"You mean…for Tuesday?"

"No, for Valentine's Day."

"Oh." Hermione blushed a little. "Why do you ask?" She said, and for a moment, just for a moment, Ron thought she sounded hopeful. Ron felt like he was about to doze off again, not because of boredom, but because his brain was about to completely shut down. He was about to go straight against the plan. He didn't want to find a date for Hermione…he wanted to be-

"Hey!" Harry entered the Common Room, dragging a boy with blonde, short hair, wearing a white shirt and dark pants. Harry grinned as he pushed the boy forward. "Hey, Ron, hey Hermione. Um, 'Mione, Danny here," he smiled, gesturing to the blue-eyed boy, "has something he wants to ask you about."

"Um, yeah…" Danny said, blushing a little as Hermione looked at him uneasily. "Uh, I was wondering…if you wanted to go to the dance with me tomorrow?"

Hermione gaped, as did Ron, and she glanced at Ron who quickly shut his mouth with a hurtful look on his face. She suddenly realized he had shot a murderous glare against Harry and she felt a hot, prickly sensation spread through her cheeks again. "I…" Danny smiled a little, and she sighed inwardly. "I would be glad to."

"Great!" Danny exclaimed, putting his hand together. "Well…uh…see you tomorrow. I'll come by at seven and we can go together?"

"Yes, that'll be good." Hermione said, trying, and failing, to smile.

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Well…" Danny glanced at Harry and smiled. "Bye." He then said and left. Harry smiled and chuckled.

"Well?" He finally said, breaking the deafening silence.

"Well what?" Ron snapped, his blue eyes burrowing into Harry's.

"I was just wondering what Hermione thought about Danny…" Harry shrugged, not really understanding why Ron was so angered. He slumped down onto a chair and looked at the girl in question. Well?" Hermione didn't answer, but looked down at her knees. Her hands were shaking slightly.

"I think…I think…I think you were very nice to find a date for me Harry. Thank you."

"Don't thank me!" Harry began, ignoring Ron's discreet gestures of protest and warning. "Thank Ron! He's the one who came up with the idea!" Hermione stared at him, hurt, and Ron could practically hear her ask him, "If you wanted me to go to the dance with someone, then why didn't you ask?

"Oh. That's nice." She said and stood up, heading into her dorms.

_**The times seemed to darken as ruddy Ron realized he had truly hurt fare Hermione by being so dense. Hot Harry sadly couldn't see any of it, since he is absolutely oblivious to flirting, especially when it is directed to him. Anyway, the night of the dance arrived…**_

Ron sat by one of the tables at the side of the large dance-floor in the Great Hall, where almost every single student from the fourth grade and up where dancing. He saw Hermione in the crowd; she was dancing with Danny. He sighed inwardly. 'Well this is just fabulous. I've got no date and the girl I like hates me. Absolutely fabulous.' He thought. Just as he decided officially that the night couldn't get worse, Lavender Brown slumped down on a chair next to him, holding two bottles of butterbeer.

"Hi, Ron!"

"Hi, Lavender." Ron mumbled, not looking away from the pair on the dancefloor.

"Here." Lavender pushed one of the bottles against him, and without thinking twice, he grabbed it and gulped it all down in seconds. Once he was finished, he stood up, ready to leave. He was surprised when he staggered, his knees weak and his stomach was squelching. Everything was moving strangely in front of him. He looked down and saw two Lavenders smiling at him.

"How do you feel?" She asked, her voice echoing in his mind just as everything else in the room. Ron was suddenly struck with a fierce boldness and determination.

"You know…" He slurred. "You know, I feel great…you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go down there…I'm gonna go down there, and tell the girl I love my feelings…" He looked back down and saw Lavender frowning. He smiled a little. "I'm gonna go…and tell…her my feelings, 'cause…'cause I love her! I love her!" Ron repeated, his voice firmer. "I'll…see you…" And with that, he staggered down to the dancefloor.

_**See, I told you. It was inevitable. The buffoon must be pissed; it is the laws of nature.**_

Ron pushed his way through the crowd, all the time mumbling about the girl he loves and his feelings. He finally reached Hermione and Danny. He was just a few feet behind them, and his face started heating up as Danny put his hands on her waist and stepped closer. Hermione, who was smiling vaguely, blushed. Ron felt his rage build up and stomped forward, clearing his voice loudly. Hermione turned around, as did several other students, all staring at Ron as he approached Danny and Hermione.

"'Mione!" Ron said loudly. More people turned around to watch, and even the lead singer of the band that was playing stopped singing to watch.

"Ron, what are you doing?" Hermione asked quietly as she watched Ron stumble a little. She then gaped and slapped Ron on the chest. "Are you drunk!" She hissed.

"Yes, yes I am!" Ron exclaimed. "With…with love!" He continued, earning several giggles and chuckles from the crowd, many who pointed at him and muttered things among themselves. "'Cause, you know…'Mione! You know? 'Cause…I think…I'm in love!"

"What?" Hermione said, dumbfounded. "Ron, shut up and get yourself together, or I'll hex you into a coma."

"That's…that's what I love about you, Hermione! You take charge! You're a strong girl and…and I think…I think that you're the strongest girl in the school! No, in the world!" Ron added, spreading his out as he stumbled back a little. "And…and I also think you're…'cause you're the most beautiful girl, too! And the smartest girl! And that is…'cause that's what I feel about you! Because I love you!" He finished, smiling a little and stumbling some more. Everyone had fallen silent then and were watching, even the teachers were gaping and staring. "And I…love you! Like…this much!" Ron said, trying to spread his arms out. "And me and Harry…were spying on you! All day long, yesterday! You want to know why? Do you? You probably figured it out already, being so smart, you, you…because we wanted to get you a date! And I didn't…realize it, because I'm not smart like you…that I wanted to go as your date! Not…Danny someone! Because, Hermione Jane Granger…I love you! I think you're smart! And cute! And witty! And I didn't want to…ask! Because I'm not smart or cute! Or witty! And I'm a chicken, too!"

"Ron, please stop-"

"No! I won't stop! I'm going to…I don't care! Everyone can know for all I care!" Ron exclaimed, spreading his arms out again and spinning around. "I don't care! Because I, Ronald Bill Whizzle! Love you! That's what! I do care! About you! Because I love you, Hermione! I want to…be an old man with you! I want to be the father of all the little Hermione geniuses! Because I! Love brown!" There was a silence. "I love that colour!" He continued, and Lavender slumped down in her seat disappointed. "'Cause that's the colour of your eyes…and your hair! And you're skin was almost brown the summer before the last one, because you were in Paris! And your shirt is brown too! Which is why I love you! Because you are brown!" He stated loudly. He stumbled some more. "And don't even get me started on how smart you are…" He started, but stopped as his back hit the floor. He rubbed his cheek, where Hermione had slapped him with all her might. "You are so strong," was the last thing Ron said before he blacked out.

_**The times seemed even darker now for ruddy Ron, as he had completely fulfilled his potential and reputation as a bumbling jerk. We return to our semi-semi-hero in the hospital wing.**_

"Oh, he's coming too. You sure knocked out his lights, Hermione."

"Oh, shut up Harry, you prat."

"I'm not a prat!"

"Mumumu…?" Ron stirred a little, blinking to focus his sight. Gathered around his bed was Hermione, Ginny, Harry and Danny.

"Are you okay?" Danny wondered, and Ron was just about to say something when Hermione hit him in the stomach. Ron flinched and doubled in his bed, holding his stomach.

"OW!" He exclaimed. He looked up just in time to receive another hit to the head. Madam Pomfrey came storming into the room, grabbing Hermione and dragging her out of the room. "What in the bloody hell!" Ron shouted.

"Serves you right!" Ginny said, slapping Ron on the shoulder. "Do you even know how you hurt her?"

"What did I do?" Then flashes of yesterday came back to him. "Oh, that."

"Yes, that! You git!" Ginny slapped him again.

"It's not my fault, though! That bloody Brown girl! She spiked my butterbeer!" Ron growled.

"Sure she did." Ginny said sarcastically, slapping Ron once more.

"She did!"

"No, like, no! I did not!" Lavender walked into the room. "That is like such a big lie!"

"Oh, really?" Ron said sceptically, looking at Lavender.

"Uh, yeah! All I did was get a bravery potion from that Midgeon dork and put it in your drink."

"A bravery-?"

"Alright, alright, fine! Maybe just a little bit of whisky! But I certainly did not get you drunk!" Lavender whined, putting her arms at her sides. There was a long silence.

"A bravery potion?" Ginny asked.

"Yeah."

"So…" She slowly turned against Ron. "Oh my god. That wasn't just drunken rambling! You- oh my god, Ron!" Suddenly, Ginny threw herself at Ron and hugged him, laughing. Then she stood up, dead serious. "Well, what are you waiting for, you insensitive git? Go get her!"

"Wha?" Ron sat up. "What do you mean?"

"Hermione! You love her, now go and make sure she knows that you aren't just an idiot, but an idiot in love!"

"But-"

"No buts! I thought you loved her! That's what you said, right?" Harry said, starting to catch on. Ron looked from Ginny to Harry and then to Danny.

"You know what…yeah! I love Hermione, and she has to know that!" He stood up and was just about to run off when he turned back and patted Danny's shoulder. "No hard feelings, right?"

"Just go, its okay." Danny smiled. Ron nodded, grinning.

"Okay…yeah, okay! Bye!" Once again, he hesitated and glared at Ginny. "I am not a git!" And then he ran off, leaping out of the hospital wing before Madam Pomfrey could Accio him back.

_**And so, ruddy Ron set off through the school, intent on finding Hermione and declaring his love for her while he was still sober.**_

"Hermione!" Ron shouted through the halls as he dashed off, scaring and surprising several first years passing by. The paintings and armours along the halls whispered to each other, since the story of the drunken idiot at the ball had spread through the school like wildfire. He reached the second floor and ran around, trying to find Hermione. He stopped when he saw Luna Lovegood.

"Luna!" Luna turned around and looked at him with large eyes. "Luna, did you see Hermione?"

"I heard about last night. Do you want to find her so you can tell her about how much you love her?" Ron nodded. "I figured that. Well, she went that way." She said, pointing down the hall while staring at Ron. "Good luck." Ron nodded and dashed down the hall, calling back a thank you. He was just about to turn when he heard a terrible voice that sent a chill up his spine. "Mr. Weasley, twenty points from Gryffindor for running in the halls."

"But sir, you have to understand, this is important!"

"Oh, what could it be that is so important?" Ron would have lied if he could, but Harry had told him that Snape could know when you lied through Legilimens by keeping eye contact, and Snape's obsidian eyes were burrowing into Ron's blue eyes.

"Well. Uh. You see sir…I love Hermione." He said. The words seemed to echo through the hall, sounding almost comical to Ron. "And I need to tell her that, quick." There was a long silence until Snape did something Ron wouldn't have imagined was possible even the day when Neville got full score on everything in class and Fred or George (even both) became Minister's of Magic; he smiled. He didn't sneer, he didn't smirk, he didn't even smile evilly. He just smiled, sincerely, and made a gesture for Ron to go on. "Really?"

"Go before I tell the Headmaster to expel you." Snape smiled.

"Whoa. I mean, yeah, okay!" Ron said, nodding and dashing off.

"Ten more points, Mr. Weasley! You just don't learn!"

"Thanks!" Ron called back, not looking back. He turned and ran down a staircase unto the first floor. Several fifth and fourth year girls were standing in the hall, talking. He was just about to run pass them when one of them whistled at him. "What?" Ron shouted, turning and running backwards, away from the girls.

"Nice ass!" The girl shouted back.

"Whatever! I love Hermione!" Ron shouted, for no reason.

"Good for you!" The girl shouted.

"Go get her!" Another girl added, and they started hooting and cheering. Ron laughed and turned, continuing to run. He ran down several halls, and the paintings seemed faster, since they seemed to have told the whole school to cheer for him. Everywhere he went, people were shouting to him and cheering for him to go faster and screaming things like "Go get her, boy!" and "Hurry up!"

He finally reached the entrance, and he was just in time to see a bushy mass of hair walk out through the doors. He hurried out into the sunny day and found that almost all the students were outside, since it was a day off for the whole school. He tried to catch up with Hermione, but people seemed to be in the way all the time. People seemed to build a tunnel, standing on the sides of the path Ron was running down to catch up with Hermione, cheering for him and screaming. 'Just a little more…' He thought as he was just a few couple of feet away from Hermione. He ran past her and stopped in front of her. "Wait!" Ron held out his arms to stop Hermione, whose face was very red and had an angered expression. "You have to hear me out!"

"What do you want from me, Ron?" People had started gathering around the two, and some where even climbing on others to see over the crowd.

"Hermione, I wasn't drunk last night!" Ron exclaimed. Hermione let out a mock laugh. "No, really I wasn't! Well, maybe a little, since Lavender spiked my drink, but mostly, I wasn't! The reason I said those things was because I had drunk a bravery potion which Lavender had also put in my butterbeer!"

"Excuse me!"

"It's true! I really meant those things; I just didn't dare say them before! But then when I drank that potion, I could say them, because I...well, you get it!"

"No, I don't, Ron, what do you mean?" Hermione said, her eyes welling up with tears and her voice trembling.

"Well, it means…" It was so strange. Ron couldn't say what he had been blurting out to practically everyone the last minutes.

**_Here is that vital moment; the moment when Ron went from boy to man. Here is when Ron was a boy._**

"I…it means that…" Ron stuttered.

"What, Ron, what?" Hermione demanded, sounding almost hopeful, expecting.

_**And this is where he became a man.**_

"It means that I love you." The whole crowd let out a simultaneous "Awwww…" "It really does. I mean, I really do. I love you." Ron broke out into a smile. "I love you, Hermione! A lot!" People let out small cheers but mostly kept quiet to see Hermione's reaction.

_**But a woman needs some time let it sink in.**_

The crowd gasped as Hermione drove her fist straight into Ron's stomach, making him topple over and fall to his knees. Hermione then pulled him up and gave him another punch, on the cheek. Ron sputtered a little, stumbling. He pulled out of his painful daze and stood straight, staring at Hermione, confused.

_**That should be enough.**_

And then the crowd gasped again as Hermione grabbed both of Ron's cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss. Everyone started applauding and cheering as the two laughed. Ron's arms were hanging at his sides, his mind was absolutely numb. Hermione finally let go and smiled at Ron. Then she pushed him away, punched him in the stomach, and kissed him again.

_**And they kissed.**_

_**And kissed.**_

_**And…kissed.**_

_**And kissed.**_

_**And freakin' kissed.**_

_**Could someone please get a shoe horn?**_

_**See, now that's just disgusting.**_

* * *

Ah, another masterpiece. Just joking, my ego weighs less than all my Harry Potter books together. Or does it? Yes, the answer is yes

That joke was so ripped off of Waterman. Dude.


	2. The Boy Who Kissed His Sister

**_This is the story of how a sixteen year old boy saved the very fate of Hogwarts. This is the story of how one man, standing between a mass of angry, bulky boyfriends and a mass of crazed, charmed, horny girls, stood up to the challenge and saved the lives of seven hundred and eighty students. Not including the chicken boys who were hiding in their Common Rooms._**

_**This, my friends, is the story, of how Ronald Bilius Weasley…**_

_**SAVED THE WORLD!**_

_**I'm not joking, he really did.

* * *

**_

Ah…morning is nice.

Ron woke up early to find that his dormitory was empty. He saw a small note at the foot of his bed. He grabbed it and read it. 'Be at the school grounds before noon. Muggle Sports Tournament. Do not sleep late. Harry, god of sensuality and hot steam love'.

_**Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a bit.**_

'Muggle Sports Tournament. Do not sleep late. Harry.' Ron's eyes widened. His eyes turned to the muggle clock Dean had brought to school which hung over his bed. Ten minutes till noon. "NOOOO!" Ron rolled out of bed, grabbing his wind in the movement, waved it and summoned a white shirt and red jogging pants. He put it on quickly, pocketed his wand and the note, and dashed out of the room after putting on some white jogging shoes.

_**Dad has a fascination with Muggle stores, and he visits them at times. He is also very generous to his children. Patch it up.**_

Ron finally reached the entrance and pushed open the oak doors, running out on the school grounds. He saw that almost the whole school had gathered by the Quidditch pitch. Ron ran as quickly as he could to catch up.

"I'm here! I'm here!" Ron wheezed as he saw Harry and stopped next to him. Harry chuckled.

"Told you not to oversleep."

"Yeah, well, sod off." Ron murmured. Ron tried to look over the crowd of people and to the front, where Hooch, Flitwick and Dumbledore were speaking.

"This year is a new year in Hogwarts history, for now we will bring in the tournament of Muggle sports!" Hooch said loudly so everyone could hear. "Everyone will participate in six sports created and lead by muggles across the world. First, we are going to play…"

"Please don't say football, please don't say football, please don't say football…" Hermione, who was on Harry's other side wearing a white, knee-long skirt and a blue shirt, chanted while crossing her fingers and closing her eyes.

_**Don't get yo hopes up, girl.**_

"Football!"

"God damn it!"

"Football is a famous sport mainly in America, brother of Britain! There will be eight rounds, two teams in each! Now I will explain the rules, and if you don't listen, then the joke is on you!"

**_So ruddy Ron, hot Harry Hermione were divided into teams (of course by sickening Snape). Ruddy Ron was to play in the third round on the Gryffindor team against Slytherin boys, hot Harry was to play the first round on the Gryffindor team against Ravenclaw boys and Hermione was to play the second round on the Gryffindor team against, poor girl, Slytherin girls (bitches)! Of course, since Snape is a sexist bastard who needs to realize we are in the late nineties, each house team was in two divisions, girls and boys, since Snape thinks that girls would be at a disadvantage to the oh-so-mighty boys. Asshole._**

**_We continue as hot Harry is to play. Ruddy Ron and Hermione have placed themselves in the stands to watch the first game._**

"Bloody hell, this is gonna be fierce." Ron mumbled as he saw the Gryffindor boys' team walk out on the field with helmets and other football equipment, as did Hufflepuff's team.

"Oh, I hope they don't get hurt- oh my god!"

_**That's football right there for ya.**_

The Slytherin side on the stands cheered and screamed as little Dennis Creevey was levitated away by Madam Pomfrey, groaning and wincing.

"And young Creevey has been eliminated," Luna Lovegood's voice rang through the pitch. "Too bad."

"Huffle-Huffle-Hufflepuff! You'll beat those measly Pygmy Puffs!" The Hufflepuff cheerleaders chanted, doing their little dance routine.

_**Never thought the day when cheerleaders came to Hogwarts would come. Oh well, the times are changing. We're gonna fast forward past hot Harry's game (which they won thanks to Jack Sloper's fantastic ability to wave his arms in a weird angle) and Hermione's game (which they lost. Oh come on, Millicent Bulstrode and Pansy Parkinson in mega bitch mode? They didn't stand a freakin' chance) and to ruddy Ron's game, because Ron is the semi-semi-hero of this story. Plus there was too much carnage during the second game with the girls for it to work with the rating of this story.**_

"Go Gryffindor, you can do it! Just push, push, push, push through it!"

"Now that was just lame. Who comes up with these rhymes?" Ginny wondered in the stands.

Ron marched out on the field with the rest of his team (which Neville was in as quarterback, sadly), almost cowering as he saw the Slytherin team. Crabbe and Goyle looked like two large, green boulders. Gryffindor was going to kick off. Ron positioned himself and crouched down, with Ritchie Coote and Colin Creevey on his sides.

_**This is the part when someone says a colour and a number, and then throws the ball backwards to Neville.**_

Neville caught the ball in his chest and staggered backwards. Ron ran to the left, trying to avoid being in Goyle's way. Sadly,

_**And stupidly,**_

Ron ended up being in Montague's way. Ron stiffened and ran the other way.

_**Screaming like the wussy git he is. **_

"Oh, look at Ronald. He's being quite the chicken." A boy in the stands said.

"Oh yes, tip-tip-tally-ho." The boy next to him said.

"Let's have some tea and biscuits and then go to the racetrack."

"Yes."

"Let's."

"What's a racetrack?"

"…you filthy pureblood."

_**Okay…yeah, well, they were sitting right above me. I think they're from some sort of foreign spy agency that's trying to dig up information on Hogwarts from the inside using two teenage kids impersonating the British stereotype. Tally-ho?**_

_**Oh, right, Ron.**_

"AAAAAH!" Ron ran across the field, somehow towards his side. Neville, who was being approached by Crabbe and Goyle, let out a loud yelp and threw the ball to Ron. Ron didn't realize he had caught it until he saw that almost every single Slytherin had turned like a bloodhound smelling meat in the air and were running after him.

"No, Ron, the other way! You have to run the other way!" Harry shouted from the stands.

"WHAT! ARE YOU INSANE!" Ron screamed.

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID GIT! GO THE OTHER WAY OR I'LL HEX YOU INTO THE NEXT CENTURY!" Ginny screamed, standing up in the stands.

"You knocked over my tea and biscuits, little girl!"

_**Are they still here?**_

"FINE!" Ron shouted back. He wheeled around just in time to duck away from the massive heap of people that was Montague, Crabbe and Goyle trying to tackle him. He started running against the other side of the field.

"A little bit closer, a little bit closer!" Ron said to himself. He was just a few yards away. "Come on, come on!"

_**I've always wondered if it would be helpful to grow eyes on the sides of my head.**_

"AH!"

_**Oh. Thanks, Ron, you always help me make the good choices.**_

_Oh man. This is the second time I've been knocked out in a week! Bloody hell! Oh, I can think! I must be awake._

"RON!" At least forty voices shouted at once.

_And I can hear as well. Ow._

"Oh, you're awake!" Hermione's voice squealed as Ron's eyes slowly opened. He smiled as he felt Hermione hug him. "We were so worried!"

"Oh…we lost?" Ron asked, disappointed. He had been so excited about the tournament. He found, however, that he was not in the hospital wing, but on the grass field at the pitch.

"No, we won!" Harry's voice said. Suddenly, everything became focused before Ron. All of Gryffindor was gathered around him; all singing 'Weasley Is Our King', and Hermione and Harry were crouching down next to him. "You were knocked ten yards into the touchdown place thing!" Harry grinned.

"You're kidding!"

"No!"

"Awesome! Bloody splendid!"

_**Okay, let's just fast forward after the short in-between games celebration and after all the football playing has been done. There is now a pause between football and tag.**_

"During the pause, we will, as muggle tradition says, give out snacks for the next sport, tag!"

_**Let's take a little look at this…snack…business and who is delivering it.**_

"A delivery of Bertie Botts."

"I see."

"Sign here, please."

The two men wearing too much robes for their faces to be seen held waved their wands, making the many boxes of Bertie Botts fly into one of the locker rooms of the pitch. Madam Pomfrey signed the clipboard one of the men handed her. "There we go."

"Good day, ma'm."

"Good day, young sir."

The two men walked inside the locker rooms and opened one of the boxes once Madam Pomfrey had left. He took of his hood and smiled, revealing the face of Fred Weasley. George took of his hood and looked into the box.

"This should make Hogwarts a little bit more fun today, don't you think?" Fred grinned.

"Yup, very fun indeed, my brother." George replied, picking up one of the Bertie Botts bags. It seemed all of the bags had nothing but pale blue beans in them. "Well, off we go." He said, and the twins left.

**_What is it about these beans? You shall see._**

"As it is the girls who will be playing first, they will get the snacks first!" Dumbledore's voice rang through the pitch. All the males groaned. "It is a gesture of courtesy." He continued, smiling. All the girls in the pitch walked down on the field, getting a bean one by one. "Hope you enjoy!" He grinned. "Now, for the rules of tag. We have changed the rules as it would be quite the long game if we would play by the muggle rules. All the girls here will stand in a circle across the field, each holding a pin. A candidate from the crowd will run along the outside of the circle, gathering the pins one by one. However, they have to shake hands before the girl gives the pin. Now who wants to be a candidate?"

_**My brother is quite the pioneer, actually. None of the boys in the stands wanted to run along such a long circle. I mean, all the girls of Hogwarts (including the staff). That's quite a lot of running. But, my brother is also very…let us call it, enthusiastic, so yeah.**_

"I will! I WILL!" Ron shouted, standing up and raising his arm, being the only one in the stands to do so. Dumbledore called him down to the pitch.

"You may begin here." He said, pointing to where Eloise Midgeon was standing. "Shake hands." Ron shook hands with Eloise, who was chewing on her bean, and then took her pin. "Ready…set…go!"

_**Believe me; you'd be bored of watching this part. Watching a boy shake hands and run with around four-five hundred girls? Wow, interesting. And since most of you reading these stories are muggles, I bet you'd be bored by pretty much everything else, so let us fast forward to the end of the tournament.**_

"As you can see on the scoreboard," Dumbledore said, pointing to the huge wooden board with words carved into it floating above the pitch, "Ravenclaw is the winner of this year's Muggle Sports Tournament! Congratulations!" The whole house of Ravenclaw walked off to the school, singing, cheering and carrying the trophy.

"Well, that was fun!" Ron grinned as he, Ginny, Harry and Hermione headed back to the school. "Too bad we didn't get any snacks though. Kinda unfair, only the girls got them."

"You know, I think Dumbledore is getting senile." Ginny murmured.

"Ginny!" Harry exclaimed, shocked.

"What! He did forget to give the boys snacks and I think those beans were poisoned." She said, holding her stomach.

"It's Bertie Botts Beans. All flavours, remember?"

"It's not the taste...I don't feel good." Ginny replied.

"Me neither…I think Ginny's right." Hermione said.

"Well, just drink some water and you'll feel better." Ron said, shrugging. He put an arm around Hermione's shoulder.

"I guess." Hermione sighed.

_**Later that night in the fascinatingly intelligent mind of jeanine Ginny...**_

_**That means a dream.**_

_**Prat.**_

Ginny slowly stepped into white nothingness. Red dots started appearing everywhere, shining brightly. Soon, she was standing in a cube of red light. A pair of blue eyes floated across the walls of the cube, blinking occasionally. Laughter echoed in Ginny's ear.

Ronald Bilius Weasley.

_**The next day…in the morning, yeah.**_

Ron and Harry entered the Great Hall for breakfast. As soon as they entered, giggles filled the hall.

"Nya-oookay…" Harry said, looking around. Everywhere in the halls, girls were glancing at them and giggling, whispering to their female friends. Ron sighed.

"Looks like you did something big again." He mumbled.

"I didn't do anything." Harry hissed.

"Doesn't look like that." Ron replied, shrugging. They saw Ginny and Hermione sit at the end of the Gryffindor table and hurried over to them. "Scooch!" Ron exclaimed and sat down next to Hermione, making her move in next to Lavender. He gave her a swift kiss on the cheek and then started grabbing food from every direction.

"Hermione…what are you doing?" Harry said. Ron looked up and saw that Hermione was staring into nothingness with a wide smile on her face, her hand on her cheek.

"He…kissed me…" She sighed happily.

"Um, yeah, you are my girlfriend." Ron mumbled. No one seemed to hear except Hermione, who grinned even wider and stared at Ron with wide eyes.

"Really!" She exclaimed. Ron nodded, not wondering why she was acting so strange. Hermione suddenly stood up and spread her arms out. "Everybody!" She shouted, making every head in the hall look at her (although the girls had much trouble turning their heads from Ron). "Ron says that I am his girlfriend!" She shouted, flashing a wide smile. There was a long silence, until Hannah Abbot stood up at her table, scowling.

"NO! HE IS MY BOYFRIEND!" She shrieked. Everyone stared at her, surprised. Ron gaped, as did Harry, as Padma Patil stood up and yelled in frustration.

"How dare you! Ron loves me!"

"No, he loves me!" Parvati shrieked, standing up. She knocked over Lavender in the process, making Hermione fall backwards.

"YOU TRAITOR!" Padma shrieked. She suddenly raised her wand and fired a beam of light across the Hall. Parvati deflected it into the ceiling. Everyone looked up as there was a loud ringing noise. Dumbledore was standing with a surprised and slightly amused look on his face.

"Now, my ladies-"

"I AM NOT YOUR LADY!" Lavender shrieked.

"…fine. Now, ladies, you may continue this argument without using any violence. We do not want to cause a scene."

"I DON'T CARE!" Susan Bones shouted as she stood up. "Violence, scene or argument, it doesn't matter! Anything for my sweet love!" Everyone stared at her for a moment until more and more girls started rising, shouting even more. No one noticed as food fell out of Ron's open mouth. Ginny picked up a napkin and leaned over the table with a smirk. She cleaned the edge of Ron's mouth, although Ron was too busy staring at Susan Bones and Hannah Abbot shouting at the top of their lunges to notice. Hermione slapped Ginny's hand away.

"Get your hands off my boyfriend, you hag!" She hissed. Ginny glared at her.

"You're the hag, hag! Ron is not your boyfriend, he is mine!" Ginny growled. Ron stared at her, surprised. Then his expression changed into one of disgust.

"EW! YOU'RE MY SISTER!" He exclaimed.

"And my girlfriend!" Harry added, as shocked and disgusted as Ron. Everyone looked at him for a moment.

"No she's not." Ron gasped.

"Huh? Oh, right." Harry sighed, looking down at his plate.

"GIRLS!" McGonagall stood up, furious. She shot a flurry of sparks from her wand to get everyone's attention. "What is the matter with you! I will not have this!" Everyone calmed down a little, even all the girls sat down, although still furious. "And for the record, Ronald only loves me." She smirked, pointing at herself.

"WHAT!" Ron gasped.

"WHAT!" Spout followed, standing up. "YOU WITCH!"

"Oh, what are you going to do about it, shortstop?" McGonagall sneered, staring down at the indeed shorter Spout.

"I'll tell you what-"

_**But what that ugly hag Spout had to say we will never know as the beautiful, noble, brave, kind, talented, smart, courteous and chivalrous Ron decided, as smart as he is, to leave, that other person with the awful hair following him. I love Ron. He is so cute.**_

Ron and Harry snuck out of the Great Hall, gaping all the time. Ron leaned against the wall.

"Okay, something is seriously wrong." Harry gasped, holding his arms out.

"You think?" Ron spat. Then he glared at Harry. "Why is it so surprising that they would like me?"

"Don't get me wrong, it isn't…but every single girl in school? Among them your own sister and McGonagall?"

"Oh. Yeah, ew."

"Uh huh. We have to find out what's going on and stop it before there's an all out war."

"Yeah." They stood there still. "So?"

"So what?"

"What's your fantastic plan?"

"I dunno. I was hoping you had one."

"Well thank you for your help, mate."

Harry ignored him. "Okay, what we should do…we should ask Dumbledore for help! He'll know what to do, he always does!"

"Yeah!" But he's in there." Ron said, pointing to the Great Hall.

"No longer." They both turned around and saw Dumbledore. "I am proud to say that many are loyal and listen to what I say, but there is nothing I can do to stop those women right now."

"Professor Dumbledore!" Ron exclaimed. "We need your help! All the girls are in love with me!" Ron stopped, thought how that was bad exactly, and then continued. "We have to stop this soon or there is going to be bad consequences!"

"You are right, Mr. Weasley. To the office, we are safe from those rabid demons of lust." There was a hollow silence as Harry and Ron gaped at Dumbledore. "I find the 'comics' in muggle magazines quite amusing. Now, let us go."

_**Those two persons and the…ah…wonderful Ron hurried to that man's office.**_

Ron and Harry sat down in front of Dumbledore's desk. "Now, first we have to find out what caused this…lust among the female student body."

"Don't forget the teachers. There is nothing that can escape my boyish charm." Ron said.

"You are a boy, and you are not charming anyone." Harry said, and Ron grumpily slumped down in his seat.

"Yes, such is the situation. It seems that all of the female human beings in Hogwarts as fallen in love with you. But that is not what I am worried about."

"Huh?"

"Well, you see…there is a great quantity of ladies here, and ladies often have…" He looked at the boys expectantly. Harry gasped, horrified.

"Gentlemen."

"Precisely. I believe that Mr. Weasley here," he gestured at Ron, "is in dire danger here right now. I can only imagine what terrible things could happen to you when not only more than four hundred and fifty ladies are fighting for you, but also when as many angered and jealous gentlemen are, as the muggles in entertainment pictures say, out to get you."

"Oh bloody hell."

"Language, Mr. Weasley, language. Now, could any of you have any idea what could have made all the girls desire you?"

"Well…" Ron began with a smile as he looked out the window.

"Shut up, Ron." Harry interrupted. Ron glared at him.

"Ah!" Dumbledore gasped and smiled. He seemed to have realized something. "Of course. Do you boys remember something that was in contact with all girls of Hogwarts recently?" There was a long silence until Harry snapped his fingers.

"The snacks! Only the girls ate them and then you forgot to give to the boys!"

"Exactly what I thought. Well, luckily, that was so. Now, how could these berries have affected them like that?" Dumbledore wondered. Ron gaped, as he remembered something.

"Those bloody gits." He gasped.

"I assume you know the answer, but I must ask you to watch your language, Mr. Weasley."

"I'm sorry sir, but I think I know what happened to the girls.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Snogberries."

"Snogberries?" Dumbledore repeated.

"Gred and Forge."

"Hm?"

"Gits."

"_Language_, Mr. Weasley!"

**_After Ron the all wise wizard of good whose, like, soooo cute, explained to Dumbledore how Snogberries works (they make people love the first person who touches them after they've eaten the berry and want to snog them), the three tried to figure out a way to save the girls, even though they don't like need it, cause everyone knows that they just have serious issues with their ego, everyone knows Ron loves me. ME! AND IF YOU SUGGEST OTHERWISE, I WILL LET YOU FEEL MY PASSIONATE LOVE IN THE FORM OF A BAT BOGEY HEX!_**

_**PASSIONATE LOVE, I SAY!**_

_**SMITE YOU!**_

"I think I have a solution." Dumbledore said. The boys looked at him expectantly. "What we need to do is change the aura of a large area so that anything under a spell in that area will be restored to its original form, and dispel the spell."

"Cool! How do you do that?"

"I cannot change just earth; it needs to be something that goes both ways path-wise."

"How about the lake?" Ron suggested.

_**So smart…ah…**_

_**PASSIONATE LOVE!**_

"Yes, yes… we will have to move quickly though. And we have to find a way to get all the ladies into the lake…" Both Harry and Dumbledore stared at Ron, smiling.

"What?" Ron wondered. Then he frowned. "Bloody hell. Fine." The three left the office to head down to the lake. As they reached the first floor, however, they all staggered as the floor trembled. "What was that!" Ron exclaimed. Dumbledore sighed.

"Boys, I think we have to move quickly."

"Why?" Ron wondered.

"YOU BASTARD!" A voice rang through the hall.

"I'LL TEACH YOU TO TRY AND STEAL MY PANSY!" Another voice shouted.

"Bloody hell." Ron sputtered as boys of all years and houses started pouring out from the end of the hall, running against him.

"Run…run!" Harry screamed, and the three set off. Dumbledore ran remarkably fast for a man of his age. They saw the end of the hall, where the marble stairs and the entrance were. They were just going to turn and run down the stairs when a group of loud squeals were heard. They all turned their heads and saw that all the girls were running out into the entrance from the Great Hall and up the stairs.

"RON! I LOVE YOU!" Pansy Parkinson screamed.

"TAKE ME, RON! MAKE LOVE TO ME!" Lavender Brown screamed as well.

_**WHORES!**_

Ron seemed to consider the offer, but quickly snapped back into reality as he realized that they were cornered; the angered boyfriends were at one end of the hall while the love struck girls were approaching from their initial escape route. Cho Chang tried to grab Ron but was flung back by Harry who had positioned himself in front of Ron to block away the girls while Dumbledore was at Ron's side, facing the boys.

"Ron, professor, you two have to get down there!" Harry exclaimed.

"But how do we stop both of them?" Ron asked, panicking.

"I think I know." Harry said, glancing at Ron. "Sorry, buddy. I don't feel very happy about this myself." Harry said, turning around to face Ron.

"What do you- mmm!" Ron was interrupted as Harry grabbed his cheeks and kissed him. He struggled to get away, but Harry held on. All the girls screamed in agony and anger while the boys seemed too baffled to do anything. Harry let go as the girls grabbed him and swallowed him into their mass of bodies. They didn't seem to pay attention to Ron, as they were all pounding on Harry who was lying in the middle of the mass. The boys were all on the floor, laughing their asses off.

_**I'm going to murder that boy loving son of a bitch! MURDER HIM I SAY! MURDER! AAAH! AAAAAAIIAAHAHAA!**_

"Ronald, now is our chance! We must go!" Dumbledore bellowed.

"Yes sir!" Ron exclaimed. He climbed up on the side of the stairs and started jumping on the girls shoulders down the staircase. Dumbledore slid down the staircase's sidebar. They got to the foot of the stairs and started running against the oak doors. Ron threw them open and Dumbledore hurried outside and against the lake. Ron figured he couldn't help Dumbledore in anyway but to hold back the girls until Dumbledore was finished. He looked back at the mass of girls blocking the stairs as they continued to try and hit Harry. "Hey!" He shouted. All of the girls turned, their ears twitching. "I…uh, if you stay here and stay calm for five minutes, I will kiss you afterwards!" Ron shouted. The girls all swooned and gasped, grinning.

"Anything for my dearest!" Ginny shouted. Ron gagged a little and closed the oak doors.

_**He's going to kiss me! My beautiful love is going to kiss me! Ah…**_

Ron watched as Dumbledore raised his wand at the lake, and the tip of it shone. After a few minutes, Ron felt the ground rumble a little as people stomped on the inside. He realized five minutes had gone by as he heard screams and shouts from the inside. "Hurry, professor!" He shouted.

"Patience, m'boy." Dumbledore bellowed. Ron tried to push against the doors, slowly realized that the doors opened inwards.

"Blimey!" He screamed as he ran forwards. The doors opened and everyone inside streamed out. He tried running away, but all the students ran after him. He fell forwards as someone used a leg hook spell. He sighed, deciding to give up, and he lay on the ground still. When no one came for him, he opened his eyes and rolled over. He saw that the boys and the girls where standing opposed to each other, each group screaming at the other.

"YOU GIT! HOW DARE YOU HURT HIM!" Pansy Parkinson shrieked.

"DON'T YOU CALL ME GIT, YOU BLOOD TRAITOR! HOW CAN YOU FANCY ONE OF THE MUGGLE LOVERS!" Draco shouted back.

"YOU FILTHY BITCH!" Blaise Zabini screeched at Eloise Midgeon. "I THOUGHT LIKED ME!"

Ron sat up, grinning. "Brilliant." He murmured. He gasped as someone put their hands in front of his eyes from behind.

"Guess who!" A voice exclaimed gleefully, and Ron was turned around to face Ginny, who grinned at him widely for a moment before pressing her lips against his.

_**Ah!**_

"Ah!" Ron gasped into Ginny's mouth.

"Ah!" All the girls gasped.

"Ah!" All the boys gasped.

"AH!" Harry screamed from the oak doors, pointing at Ron and Ginny. "AAAH! INCEST! IIIINCEEEEST!"

Ron pushed Ginny away and she fell on her behind. He stood up and started spitting every other second. He backed away from Ginny, spitting and gasping for air. He realized he had backed straight into the space between the girls and the boys. He looked to his right and saw the whole female population of Hogwarts beam at him, sighing happily. He looked to his left and saw the whole male population of Hogwarts glare at him murderously. There was a pause which seemed to go in slow motion as Ron looked back and forth and people on the left side started bringing up their wands.

"Ah...ah…aaah!" Ron threw himself to the ground as jinxes were fired at him. He peeked up to see that several girls had been deformed; larger front teeth, huge foreheads, shrunken noses and enormous lips. There was a gasping silence as the boys realized what they had done.

"Oh bloody hell." Ron sighed and started crawling away.

"You…you…" Parvati Patil huffed, pointing at the boys. "You tried to…hurt…RON!" The words echoed through the air for a second before all the girls ran straight at the boys and leaped at them. Ron watched as the entire male population of Hogwarts were scarred for life; literally and hypothetically. The girls punched, clawed, kneed, bit, kicked, did everything in possible to hurt the boys as severally as possibly, all the time screaming things as "don't ever try hurting my Ronnie!" and "this is for Ron! MY RON!"

And then it hit Ron; he could form an army of crazy girls. He grinned goofily to himself for a few seconds before he stood up and walked over to Dumbledore. Dumbledore stared at the brawl which the boys were losing miserably with sad eyes. Harry joined them and they stood there for a minute. Finally, Dumbledore took of his hat and held it against his chest.

"This is a sad day for men all over the world." He sighed. Ron and Harry nodded and put their hands on their chests. "I salute those brave men for daring to defy the anger of hormone loaded girls under love spells." They stood their quiet, watching.

"Nice choice of words." Harry said finally.

"Thank you, Harry."

_**NEVER HURT RON! NEVER HURT RON!**_

_**NEVER HURT RON! I WILL DESTROY YOU! YOU! DO! NOT! HURT! RON!**_

"This is kinda fun." Ron mumbled.

"I know." Harry added, watching as Lavender Brown constantly hit Dean Thomas in the head with a conjured cane and Lisa Turpin smacked a pan over Draco Malfoy's head. "But we have to stop this."

He turned his head and looked at Ron who was standing in his briefs, his other clothes tossed aside. "Already ahead of ya, mate." He grinned. "But how do we lure them over here?" He asked. Harry slowly eyed Ron sarcastically. Ron looked down at his briefs. "Oh right. Stupid question."

_**NEVER! NEVER NEVER NEVER! NE- huh? OH! HE IS SO HOT!**_

"Hey girls! Come over here and get a scoop of foxy! Foxy as in Ron! Oh yeah, baby!" Ron shouted, thrusting the air and doing stomach rolls. The girls instantly left the heap of battered boys and ran against Ron, screaming happily. Ron grinned and waved at Harry and Dumbledore briefly before leaping into the lake and swimming into the middle of it. The girls jumped in after him as quick as they could and tried to swim after him, and those who couldn't swim grabbed other people and were pulled across the lake. The people who had jumped in first seemed to stop swimming half way over the lake and shake their heads. More and more girls started doing the same, and Ron realized they were all returned to normal. The girls started leaving the lake, so Ron did the same. Once he got up and had put on his clothes (after drying himself off magically), he realized all the girls were glaring and staring at him. He had hoped they wouldn't remember they're little experience, but apparently they did.

"Um…hi?" He mumbled, waving a little to them. The only one who didn't seem furious and disgusted was Lavender, apparently, who was staring at the ground, blushing. Finally, people started turning around to see the heap of boys groaning in pain. Many of the girls started running over to the boys to check on them and mend their wounds and…kiss their boo-boos.

_**Did…did I…**_

Ron looked up and saw Harry was patting Ginny's back with a lopsided grin. Ginny's face was absolutely white and she was gaping at the ground.

_**I did, didn't I? I…oh my god, I…**_

Ron rushed over to Hermione, who was shaking fiercely by the side of the lake, dripping wet.

_**No…I didn't…right? I didn't, right? No…of course not, that's…that's not right…only purebloods do that kind of sickening…but…I am a pureblood…no…I didn't…no…**_

Ron hugged Hermione and smiled at her. Hermione looked up and chuckled.

"So you remember all that?" Ron mumbled.

"Yeah. How did that happen?" Hermione wondered.

"Gred and Forge."

"I see."

_**I didn't…no…**_

"Ron?"

_**I couldn't have…**_

"Yeah?"

_**Oh my god, I did…**_

"Could you remind me to kill your twin brothers the next time we see them?"

_**I…later…at…I didn't…the Common Room…I couldn't have…**_

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Neville sat by the fireplace in the Common Room. Neville was holding a large bag of ice against his head, staring at the fire. The whole Common Room seemed quite. Most of the boys seemed to be in the same state as Neville and Harry, a painful one, and most girls seemed to be in the same state as Ginny, shock. There was a long silence until Ron finally looked up, glaring at Harry.

"What?" Harry wondered.

"Harry…you know…if you do…fancy other sort of people, we are all okay with that. At least I am, I'll still be your friend."

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked. Ron stared at him, wide eyed.

"Well, I suppose the first step is admitting." Ron sighed, leaning his head back and putting his arm around Hermione. Harry shrugged. However, he seemed to realize what Ron meant short after, as he glared at Ron discreetly and mumbled something.

"At least I'm not the one having snog sessions with my sister…" Harry muttered. Ron's ears twitched and he stood up.

SMACK!

_**I was under a spell! It wasn't my fault. And besides, it's not like I enjoyed it.**_

**_Right?_**

**_

* * *

_**

Seriously, I love writing this...it's like I'm raising a love child of literature. Ah...I love you, fiction.


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